Momma please don't go to heaven

One of the hardest parts of cancer for me was watching how it affected my family and friends.

 

Momma please don't go to heaven
I know you have been sick
I know you are in pain
But I still need you here with me
I promise to be good
I promise to take care of you
Just please promise to stay
Please stay here with me

The doctors make you sick
... And I just don't understand
I will try to be brave
But I am scared to lose you
Please just hold on for me
I know you can be strong
And I will hold your hand
Til you make it through

I love you to the moon and back
I love you never stopping by time
So please don't go to heaven
I'm not ready to let go
I'll sit by your side N hold you tight
Til you can eat, til you can walk
I know you love me too
So please, please don't go

Catching Up

Okay so I didn't do so well with the blog. I think there were a few reasons why. First, I am horrible at journal type stuff. I always think it would be great to have a written document but when it comes down to it, I just don't do it. Second, one of the things I struggled with the most is my family watching me in pain, watching me sick, watching me at my worst. I honestly did not have the heart to write how I really felt. I can honestly say, I was was at my worst. I was fragile and definitely had days I wasn't sure if I could go on. The statement "if it doesn't kill you, it'll make you stronger" is so true when you are going through cancer treatments. My doctor would remind me that chemo takes you to the edge of death without killing you. Ummm good to know. No wonder I felt so great! :/ For me the hardest thing about going through Chemo is watching my friends and family suffer too. Cancer doesn't just affect one person, it affects everyone around them. Those around are a great support system but only one can fight the disease itself. There are times I wanted to give up, but how can you tell your loved ones that? You can't! I couldn't! Especially not my kids- they needed me and I needed them. I didn't have the mental or physical strength to write my experience at the time. Reflecting on the past year is surreal. I often wonder how I managed. The truth... one chemo, one week, one day, one minute at a time. I am truly thankful for the little blessings I had throughout my treatments. Overall, I didn't have too many complications. I partially credit my amazing doctors for that but mostly credit the grace of God. I think he knew I was still a mom. Regardless of how much my amazing fiance stepped up, kids still need mom. I have moments I reflect on the struggles but mostly I reflect on the amazing experiences, friendships, and opportunities. Some people may never understand or agree, but I don't think I would change anything from the past year if I had to give up just one of the experiences. Your past makes you who you are and without the past year I would not be the person I am today. I will never forget the inspiration I got from my friends and family when they thought I was inspiring them. I am truly blessed for the friends and family I have in my life.

Taxol Fun!

My first Taxol/Herceptin treatment was on Monday June 27, 2011. Today is Saturday and the first time I have had to post about it. Yes I have been in bed since Monday and it is now Saturday. It has been a viscious cycle... bones ache, take pain killers, causes drowsiness, sleep, wake up with bones aching, take pain killers, causes drowsiness, sleep.... well you get the idea. The nausea hasn't subsided like I had hope either making eating rather difficult. Unfortunately lack of appetite goes hand in hand with my weight loss which my Dr. isn't very happy about and monitoring closely. Cancer treatments causes so many more side effects and complications than I had anticipated. Food has become my enemy during treatments due to the nasea. I figure when I am done I will either love food cause it will actually taste normal again.... or I will hate it from trying to eat during chemo. lol I think the most important lesson treating cancer is to take it one day at a time!It is definitely easier to focus on getting better in that moment. Eventually I know my chemo days will be over and I can move forward with the next step in my cancer adventure.

Cancer Lessons

Cancer is not a journey I would have chosen but through cancer I have learned many lessons. The hardest lesson is learning to rely on others. I am definitely still learning this lesson. I have always been the one taking care of others, it's hard to learn how to let others take care of you. My biggest issue is I don't want to become a burden on other people. I know people truly care and want to help, I guess I want to as well. Cancer has affected not just me but my entire family and my friends. I want others not to worry and know that I will be okay- I am a survivor. There will be days I hurt, days I don't feel well, and days that I feel good but each day is one more day closer to finishing this journey in my life. I don't want others to feel sorry for me. We each have trials in life. I don't believe my trials are any more difficult then what others endure. We all do what we have to in order to get through this life. Looking from the outside we cannot imagine going through certain trials but when we are the ones going through the trial we somehow find the strength to get through it. We truly don't know our own strengths and focus too much on our weaknesses. My family and friends are my inspiration, my support. I want to protect them from cancer even though I know I can't. Perhaps they will learn lessons through my journey also. I just pray they know I will be okay, I will get through, and I am a SURViVOR!

Image Reborn June 24-26 2011

Image Reborn Foundation is a non-profit organization. They hold retreats for cancer patients. It was a great way to socialize with other people who have been through similar experiences. There were some amazing women at the retreat with me. I know it will be an experience I won't forget and will continue to learn from. The weekend consisted of a lot of discussions.... And flashings, along with other activities. Our Saturday lunch even came included with meeting Raegan and Nisha from Good Things Utah (not planned). We spoke with them for awhile which proved how down to earth they are. Saturday we also had mini facials, met with Dr Kim Scott (who was amazing!), and did art journaling. Sunday was yoga day. Yoga reminded me if how much strength I have lost and sometimes taking time out to meditate may be the best outlet to deal with life. Overall it was great. Even the downfalls of the trip taught me lessons about the path I want to take in life. I definitely hope to stay in touch with the others I met and to give back so others may have a good experience as well. Thanks to Donna and Sheila for giving your time and dedication to this organization. You are truly inspirational and have made a profound impact on many lives!

Hat Party and Rough Days!

I had some very sweet neighbors throw me a hat party. I got so many hats, scarfs, lotions, and other gifts to lift my spirits. I cannot believe the generosity I have recieved from the neighborhood, especially since I just moved here. I feel fortunate to have so many friends and family supporting me right now. My daughter went with me to the party. She had so much fun opening the gifts for me and trying everything on. She said it was the best party ever! lol I got of the same hat- I think I will keep both and give one to her. She will love to have a matching hat with mom!

The hat party was just what I needed! Yesterday was a rough day. I think dealing with cancer on top of the ex's has taken a toll. I have not had any energy even when I am not feeling nauseous. I knew the cancer and chemo would take a toll but I feel like I cannot catch up. There is so much I need to get done but just can't find the motivation or energy to do it. It is hard to rely so much on Billy and others. Despite trying to help out as much as possible and showing my appreciation, I feel like a burden. Our whole life has been turned upside down with my cancer. Not a week goes by that I don't have chemo, tests, or dr appts. I have tried to keep life as normal as possible for my kids but I know my health has affected them. I signed my son up for baseball and my daughter up for tumbling to give them time to forget mom is sick. It is important for me to be there to watch despite how sick I am and let them be the center of my attention for that short time. I wish I had more energy to take them to the park or ride bikes with them. I think you forget the simple things in life sometimes until life slows you down. I know this battle is short but right now it seems never ending. I am indeed grateful for what I do have and those in my life. However, I am anxious to move forward with my life and overcome this trial.

I also miss my kids since they are with their dad for his summer visitation. I know getting rest while they are gone will be good for my healthy and recovery but getting kisses and hugs throughout the day from them gives me strength and hope. The love of a child is the best medicine you can get while you are battling life's obstacles.

Kickin Cancer with Klaas

I have had many requests to start a blog about my journey fighting cancer. I was diagnosed in February 2011 with Invasive Grade 3 Ductal Carcinoma In Situ Breast Cancer. I feel fortunate I have not had too many complications so far. I never thought I would be battling cancer at 31. I admire the strength in others who are or have fought cancer, especially children. I am not sure why I am going through this battle but I am not going to question or ponder on why me. I cannot change the diagnoses or the path I must take so I am using my energy to focus on fighting. I am hopeful in what the future holds for me and confident in my doctors. I have been blessed with the friends I have met throughout this experience. I cannot even express the inspirational stories I have heard through these amazing ladies. I am also very blessed to have support from my friends and family. Honestly I could not have made it this far without them. I am also the luckiest girl to have an amazing man and children in my life. Who else could say that they got engaged as a bald, cancer patient. He has stepped up to take care of me and my children. My kids are my light, my motivation to fight. Nothing lifts my spirits more than my kids expressing how cool it was to pull my hair out and telling me I look like a pirate after drawing my picture. They have helped me turn every step into something positive.

I am excited to blog my experience. My hope is noone will feel bad for me despite the days I am experiencing. Fighting cancer is not always easy but I know I have the strength to beat it. I will blog the good days and the bad days. Please know that I will get through and don't shed tears of sadness. Each day is one day closer to finishing treatments and reason to celebrate.

Each person in my life has been an inspiration. I love ya'll!